I don't remember the exact date, but when I was 14, I recall making a deal.
This deal gave me a number. Or a set of numbers.
I always thought it meant 40. Cause 20 plus 20 makes 40.
Being naïve, I always thought that would be the age I lived to.
Now, I know what it means. What truth it holds.
So this would be a suicide note. In the event where it really happens.
I'll hope to end it all by this year. I can't take anymore suffering.
Maybe that's what she felt, moments before the ledge.
The conviction that, it all matters naught.
And after having to be interviewed, I know what the police wants too.
So whoever finds this, just show it to the police. Don't even bother explaining yourself.
Save yourself from the pain.
And to the police who's reading all of these,
Don't interview any one of the closest people around me.
I'll detail how and why myself.
Instead, send them to mandatory counselling.
I now know how important it is to speak to someone professionally.
So let's start with abit of my life till now.
Major events in life:
Born into elitist family
Tutored badly when I was 9 (developed trust issues)
My family broke apart when I was 10 turning 11
Mother was going through depression when I was 14
Had my first criminal case when I was 16 turning 17
My second criminal case when I was 18
My first murder (abortion) when I was 19
My first brush with death about someone important when I was 21
Diagnose with Cancer in 22
Second death in 22
Third death in 23
Fourth in 24
Fifth in 25
I'm really glad for these experiences that I've had.
And through these, I could advice many others not to do what I'm about to
I wanted to wait for a different advice, one that is never heard of before.
But I realized it's never going to happen
Just a ball of depression at this point.
And I know my friends know as well.
I am slowly becoming that insufferable idiot.
And thus, my circle just gets tighter and tighter.
I used to have passion.
That passion to save the ones like me, like them, like her.
But I think it died off 3 years ago.
When I just realized, I was the one that needed saving.
In life, there's not much to hold on to.
Suffering is a given.
And there was a saying;
"God does not thrust unto you what you cannot handle"
But there's also another possible continuation
"However, sometimes, God overestimate us humans"
So when did I truly realized I really wanna end it all?
I guess it was when I got cleared from a possible second scare of cancer.
I was genuinely sad, that I've gotta just do it myself.
And not just wait for a date.
Another possible symptom for others to take note.
When you think about the unknown after death, your body would involuntarily shudder.
It's like your body fights against the basic thought of death.
But when you're where I am, you just become apathetic about it.
You'll feel calm. No shudders.
You even embrace it.
And so, I end this first part like this.
This is my declaration.
I, Joseph Lee Wei Rong,
of sound mind and body
has decided to end my life,
on my own terms.
1mp3rf3t10n
2020
