lonely guy.

12/21/20

This is to address the ones that I may leave behind.

Mother and Sister

I thank you for your utmost patience and attention.

I can't repay you ever.

I wanted to be a normal boy again.

But with every drunken night I come back,

I realized ever more that I'm broken beyond repair.

I can always have my moments of peace,

but the past would always haunt me.

Sya/Scottieboi

Yo bros.

It's been hella long.

What, 13 years?

At this point in time, you guys would have been part of half my life already

I thank you for your support.

And I thank you for being idiots in my youth.

Together, we wanted to rock the world.

Now, I'll leave that job to you two

Keep skating, keep mixing, keep dreaming.

TMC

Ahhh, the first family I had during my darkest periods in life.

What you guys gave me,

that sense of belonging,

It can never be replaced.

I hope you guys are doing well now.

We have all come along way in life

Don't ever lose sight of you dreams.

You'll achieve it one day.

And get together someday.

Chaos Killers

Hahaha, this group was what thought me benefits through hardships.

I never forget the day we got 1st

Never forgot how we got cocky and crumbled so fast

Jorden and Kenny

I'm glad to have met you two as strong pillars of support.

Your thought process is what thought me to be a kinder person

And fucking Tommy,

Always reminding us to have fun in whatever we do.

I wish we could see each other again by this post.

But if we don't, just know that this team will always be on my mind

猴子帮

The 3rd family I will ever have.

You guys are just pure joy at days

It always like coming home when we meet up.

I want you guys to continue staying strong.

Don't kick anyone unnecessarily.

Everyone's got their reason on why they behave in that way.

If you can find the root, help them.

I know deep down, we all care for each other.

Kino

Hahaha, always will call you 大姐

打死也不会忘掉.

You've been the best comfort in times of my career.

I wished we could have drank another satellite together.

But this time it'll just be a DiTA.

Don't drink the lychee one ah.

Pour a diesel on me will you? Thanks

Abishek George

You motherfucker.

I don't know why I decided to leave your establishment so early

I could have learnt more from you.

But your words (afterhours of OJT drink) resonated alot with me

We are both wretched souls.

And I'm glad I met you.

Ariel

Hey Ara,

You might be the first to see this.

And I'm glad to have been a part of your life.

Your presence in mine would always be felt.

You were like the warmest beacon in life that I had

If only distance was not a problem for us.

I would have loved to continue on

I hope your demons would be addressed one day.

But if you hear about me, and drop further into your demons

Please find a professional person to speak to.

Pearl, Joo, Chow

You 3 musketeers.

Always looking out for me.

Maybe this time, I don't ever want to be found le

I know you three will be strong together.

Joo, Chow,

I leave 小妹 to you two to handle le

小妹

哥先走了, 别伤心。

至少我懂的平心了.

1mp3rf3t10n

Death is never about dying, but leaving the living behind.

posted at 12/21/2020

I don't remember the exact date, but when I was 14, I recall making a deal.
This deal gave me a number. Or a set of numbers.

I always thought it meant 40. Cause 20 plus 20 makes 40.
Being naïve, I always thought that would be the age I lived to.

Now, I know what it means. What truth it holds.

So this would be a suicide note. In the event where it really happens.
I'll hope to end it all by this year. I can't take anymore suffering.

Maybe that's what she felt, moments before the ledge.

The conviction that, it all matters naught.

And after having to be interviewed, I know what the police wants too.

So whoever finds this, just show it to the police. Don't even bother explaining yourself.

Save yourself from the pain.

And to the police who's reading all of these,

Don't interview any one of the closest people around me.

I'll detail how and why myself.

Instead, send them to mandatory counselling.

I now know how important it is to speak to someone professionally.

So let's start with abit of my life till now.

Major events in life:

Born into elitist family

Tutored badly when I was 9 (developed trust issues)
My family broke apart when I was 10 turning 11

Mother was going through depression when I was 14

Had my first criminal case when I was 16 turning 17

My second criminal case when I was 18

My first murder (abortion) when I was 19

My first brush with death about someone important when I was 21

Diagnose with Cancer in 22

Second death in 22

Third death in 23

Fourth in 24

Fifth in 25

I'm really glad for these experiences that I've had.

And through these, I could advice many others not to do what I'm about to

I wanted to wait for a different advice, one that is never heard of before.

But I realized it's never going to happen

Just a ball of depression at this point.

And I know my friends know as well.

I am slowly becoming that insufferable idiot.

And thus, my circle just gets tighter and tighter.

I used to have passion.

That passion to save the ones like me, like them, like her.

But I think it died off 3 years ago.

When I just realized, I was the one that needed saving.

In life, there's not much to hold on to.

Suffering is a given.

And there was a saying;

"God does not thrust unto you what you cannot handle"

But there's also another possible continuation

"However, sometimes, God overestimate us humans"

So when did I truly realized I really wanna end it all?
I guess it was when I got cleared from a possible second scare of cancer.

I was genuinely sad, that I've gotta just do it myself.

And not just wait for a date.

Another possible symptom for others to take note.

When you think about the unknown after death, your body would involuntarily shudder.

It's like your body fights against the basic thought of death.

But when you're where I am, you just become apathetic about it.

You'll feel calm. No shudders.

You even embrace it.

And so, I end this first part like this.

This is my declaration.

I, Joseph Lee Wei Rong,

of sound mind and body

has decided to end my life,

on my own terms.

1mp3rf3t10n

2020

posted at 12/21/2020

2/29/20

Ah, this small little webpage.

This nice little diary I have.

It shows so much of myself that many may have seen.

But i guarantee none would have felt.

Or remotely feel what i’ve felt

Have you kept trying,

Day after day,

But still told you’re ever enough?

Have you continued living,

When even though

There’s almost nothing holding you on?

Or have you looked at all your decisions

And asked yourself

If these pains was self inflicted?

Could anyone tell me a reason.

Or give me a sign.

That I actually mattered.

I think this will be my last post.

I wish to say alot more.

But i know

1mp3rd3t10n

No one ever hears me.

posted at 2/29/2020

5/14/19

If you read this, there’s only 2 possibilities

1. I’m dead cause i’ve decided to end it all

2. I’m a dead man walking

By the time you read this

I’ve had too much.

If I ever ended my own life,

Know that i do it cause no one in this world understands me

How i work

Or how i wanna be.

I’ve been a misfit.

Misunderstood my entire life.

So, at this point,

When i once wanted to help humanity.

I no longer see any reasoning.

Until someone can convince otherwise

Before the jump or whatever.

I wish to say;

This life of mine

Has only been filled with regrets

I only wish....

Someone

Understood

Me.

1mp3rf3t10n

Kill me softly, let me go gently

Into; that silent, lonely night

posted at 5/14/2019

8/26/18

Hey Blog

I realised you're here for my....
daily rants and torments

So here's tonight...

I've fell in love with someone
some one in the industry
i can't get myself away from her
i can't seem to care if i could

but....
I wish...
maybe one day i can be truthful
to her.
to what she means to me

but regardless

i wanna say that today, i learnt not to go full speed on a board
not to snap a board while trying to kickflip
and maybe i learnt that i give in to easily
...

Ara.... i miss your company... Ya know?
She kept reminding me of ya tonight...
even thought she know's i'm in love with ya...
and i only wish that you could be back here...

I'm almost drunk every night
maybe it hopeful wishing
but maybe one night...
i could have you back in my arms...

it's all hopeful wishing....

cause i know i love Nicole now....
and....i'm too drunk to know if i could even tell her how much she means to me....
maybe....
i'll throw her this web...

all i know...
is... this is my closet...
these are my skeletons.....

1mp3rf3t10m
The Devil Beckons, but Yet, the Angels, Play

posted at 8/26/2018

4/19/13

Killing oneself is cowardly..
But with what's done,
Is it possible to repay without give up a life...?

Many have said not to,
But when a reason is asked...
None could give one to a topic related.

Living for others?
That person no longer exist.
The existence of that one would just burden many.

So give a better reason.
As to not pull the trigger.
To not kick the bucket.

Cause honestly...
I cant even live for myself...

posted at 4/19/2013

I pray hope... No one ever sees this...
Cause this post is not pretty...

Tsk....the guy couldn't change...
And the shit you've caused...
Why... You screwed over enough lives...
Why another...?

I didnt mean to...honestly....
I really just didnt...

I'm trying to make it all up to those...
I really am trying...
I... Really did...
To turn to be someone more...obedient...
More thoughtful...more... Reasoned....
But i always end up screwing over...

Its not whats wrong with them.
Its what's wrong with me...
You know those words are true...
Yet...while working on your faults...
You somehow manage to just make more...

You cant stand those words...
You shut your ears...
You tried to keep walking forward...
Slowly mending those lives you've broken....
Poking around... Trying to help....

It hurts to hear those words...
'You did nothing to improve'
You know its true to an extend.
You know its not as well...

It just doesnt sit well with you...
And you crumble always to those words....
Slowly picking yourself up...
Having made a slight aim at something so as to have a goal...
Cause you don't love this person you are...
Even if others dont wish it...
You wish he'll die someday...
So as to stop burdening everyone close around...

Mistakes..same old ones...
You really dun want to make them again...
But still... You did...
.....you fucked up...
And this time again...
Its not just you....

The rain washes that tear soaked face.
But it can never wash the blade clean.
That blade you hold in you...
By yourself....
Slowly turning it

1mp3rf3t10n
A man who can't love himself, will never be loved.

posted at 4/19/2013